For the Good Fathers

13 Sep

I would like to list a few things that are easy and some which are hard when raising my children. 

Easy – Making meals and insuring my kids eat even if i can’t.

Hard – Telling them they can’t have new walmart cloaths or a new toy because Daddy doesn’t have the money.

Easy – Reading a bedtime story, saying a prayer, and tucking them in to sleep for the night.

Hard – Staring at the empty beds on a monday night feeling your heart implode because you could only have them for the weekend.

Easy – Telling them every chance you get that you love them and miss them and encourage kindness at every turn.

Hard – not being allowed by your EX to call them except on the days the court says.

Easy – Listening intently and equally to all three kids stories, concerns, achivements, goals, and questions.

Hard – Answering the questions!  Like why doesn’t Mommy like you anymore Daddy?  Why can’t you just take us away from there Daddy we don’t want to be there?  Daddy would you please get Mommy to love you again?

Easy – cleaning the house and doing laundry.

Hard – Sitting in the empty house staring at the wall trying to remember all the giggles, squeals, sibling quarls, and not break down wanting nothing more that a hug or familiar smell of their hair.

Far too often these days divorce comes into play of a marriage, and Far too often there is no Legit reason.  I was involved in a car wreck in 09 that left me with severe back issues and Zero sex drive. Of course being the only one in the Family with a job I was forced to return to work before I should have, yet continued to see doctors and get as many pain meds as I could so that I could keep the money flowing in.  I quit my side jobs because I was unable to physically endure a full work week and small time construction on the side.  I instead started spending more and more time with my children and was thrilled to do so.  I have always been a Good Dad and Tried every day to be an understanding husband, “but you can only listen when your being talked to.”  In Late 2010 2 months before school started I had come full circle and cared nothing of money and only concerned myself with maters of the Family.  I started to partake once again in taking the childen fishing, canoeing, camping and even just being with them while they played outside yet forced to stay within my physical restrictions, and the kids understood.  It had been nearly 4 years since I had been able to do that, and since we never had enough money and I sought out every penny I could to keep the wife happy.  Then as School started I had achived my goal of reconnecting with my kids and was under the impression that My wife and I were on the verge of a new and beautiful relationship.  You see I was no longer able to satisfy her with hours of passion in the bedroom on my own but was taking all the “legal prescriptions”  to still keep passion alive.  Not to mention I was doing everything to revive our communication which had declined sinse my accident. 

Good news I found out the week before shool started in 2010-2011 school year I was going to finally be seen by a pain spacialist in Kearney who was going to perform 6 surguries to caurtorize the nerve endings in my neck, lower back, and sacrum.  I was delighted in fact almost delerious with the thought of being pain free even iff knowing it would only last for 8 to 12 months it was the light at the end of the tunnel i had been looking for.  Then in a hllish and sick twist of events it’s the end of the first week of school and my vacation time had run out, so I waited for the children to get off the buss from school and we played in the yard for about an hour before I left for work.  I got off work in the morning and checked my msg.s and got a voicemail saying the wife was at her friends in north platte to se her friend.  I went home, slept, woke up.  I tried to call and got no answer then on my way to work I recieved a call saying she was headed to her parents and would talk to me the next day.  No problem I thought, after all I never had issues with her wanting to go see her parrents even though they never came down to see us for any leangth of time.  Sunday comes and I call concerned because she has not made it back yet and I want assurance that everything is ok!!!!  The conversation we had will haunt me for the rest of my life “I was just going to let you know that I’m taking the kids and leaving you Bill I am enrolling them in Merna school and I’m going to live with my parrents from now on.”  I begged for a reason.  What did I do?  Why?  How could I fix this?  Is it my fault?  I’m sorry for not doing enough what else can I do Please Tell Me!  Answer – Bill it’s not you it’s me I just need time away. 

Notation – so everyone understands.  I had done and did at the time all the responsability’s a man should do and more.  I mowed the lawn, watered the grass, cooked, washed the dishes, cleaned the house, helped with homework, held a full time Job, and even had time to help my brother as often as I could help take care of our Father who’s health is deteriorated due to his being on oxygen as a result from years of working with machining cast iron. 

When She left in the weeks that followed I started to get a grimm picture of the future.  You see her only Job or responsability in the home so to speek was to pay the bills for which I made more than enough money for.  I found out I was no less than 3 months behind on all payments electric, water sewer, car loan, house loan, and a personal loan for house repairs, and medical bills.  WOW  She had also withdrew all the money from the checking and savings accounts which was only $4,000 but that’s alot of money in the middle of nebraska when you have 3 kids underfoot.  I was literally left pennieless and had to begg and borrow money to keep the lights on and see my children.  I even parted out my motorcycle for the money to make sure I had gas to go up and see them every weekend.  I was welcome and went up to the inlaws every single weekend without fail to see my babies while the wife spent anywhere from 12 to 15hours a day on facebook playing games and writing fashin tips for something called picco?  I gave the inlaws $700/month in a check and $400 in meat/ month which I got at employee cost which is half of retail price for the freshest beef and chicken money can buy.  That way I could still aford the $100 a week in fuel to go see them and save up to file for bankruptsy and keep doctors happy enough to see me.  Durring the last year I found us the best marriage counselor in the area, and a personal psychologist to try and further myself even more and deal with depression.  As the Devil would have it I fell off a ladder at work in march and now have further damage to my right side involving my thoracic back but still push on.  In June We had together discussed trying again and so I was eventually able to find a house to rent and get the kids enrolled in their original school again for the start of the new school year.  Finally after I met the impossiblely set terms given the time frame.  The ex told me of her plan to move to another town closer to the Merna school and try to live on her own for a year to and I qoute “try raising the kids herself so she can prove to herself that she could do it”  What?  Oh hell No!  I filled for divorce seeing no ther options and was just denied temporary custody even with all the peliminary evidence of affidavids that showed me to be the better parrent from even her own friends!  Final hearing is set for Dec. and I am scared.  I have done everything right gone above and beyond the call, and worked my ass off to do what any and perhaps more than what other fathers would do!  I love them you see, and it goes deeper that that.  My children are Me, they are my heart, my soul, they give me the courage and the strenght to keep going and I will never give up. 

No good deed goes unpunished and even though I was raised knowing the world isn’t fair where is the justice?  How can good overcome evil when the deck is stacked against you just because your a Man?  Women were given all their rights and rightfully so!  I just want to know when Men can have them too.

 

Please forgive my gramerical errors just wrote what I felt!

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